Muhammad is…me?

In a revelation that was shocking even to me, I have brought to my attention and am now bringing to the world the unmistakable truth that will affect everything and everyone from now until Armageddon.

I am the prophet Mohammed.

Some of you will ask if I am also Muhammad. The answer is yes. Hanukkah can be spelled Chanukah. As the prophet, I decide the spelling. My first fatwa is that the “u” shall be replaced with the “o” everywhere until further notice. Usama is Osama.

Some will say I am insulting one billion people. Nonsense. I am declaring myself their spiritual leader. Why would I do this if I disliked them? Islam has many beautiful traditions and a billion followers. I would love a billion followers, provided they do not keep contacting me on Twitter (On Facebook they can go to my fan page).

You see, it has been brought to my attention that drawing a picture of Mohammed is forbidden. Therefore, nobody has ever seen a real picture of Mohammed. This means that since nobody knows who Mohammed actually is, nobody has proof to refute my claims of being the man himself. To do so would be blasphemous.

As the new spiritual leader of Islam, I am hereby declaring that Jews and Christians are good people. They are to be treated with respect at all times. The Jews are the people of the book.

Does this mean I have converted to Islam? Not at all. I am still Jewish. How can I be Jewish and lead Islam? Because I am a prophet. I can because I said so.

(Wow, who knew Mohammed was a 21st century American liberal?)

To Radical Islamists who choose Jihad as a hobby over macrame or golf, you will burn in hell. I will make the 72 ladies you receive as hideous as the offspring of Helen Thomas and Danny Thomas, and they won’t be virgins.

(Ok, scratch that remark. Danny Thomas was a nice guy, and unrelated to Helen Thomas even though both were Lebanese. Even supreme leaders can be uninformed when they have not read the paper with their morning beverage.)

The ban on showing my face will be lifted. I want everyone to honor me with visuals. I could use the publicity.

I am now declaring myself the only Mohammed, so if anybody else tries to claim to be me, they will be rejected out of hand along with the millions of people falsely insisting that they really were Spartacus.

Also, to blend in with American society, I will not be using my name of Mohammed. I have decided to choose an American name. To the public, I shall be known as “Eric.”

(Although in many cases I will spell it with a lowercase “e.” Supreme leaders are not bound by grammatical constraints.)

I now embrace capitalism, so buy my books. I use the pen name Tygrrrr Express.

Normal every day Muslims shall continue living their lives as exactly before my revelation. No changes need to be made with their faith. It works perfectly fine on its own. I am not going to be one of those consultants who comes in and blows everything up (bad choice of words). I will just tinker around the margins.

The margins are the Radical Islamists who have hijacked the Muslim faith. They shall be banned from Mecca and Medina and relocated to Cleveland. The people of Cleveland are dealing with false prophet issues of their own, and could use some replacements.

Look, being a Supreme Leader is not easy for me. I do not want to be a hypocritical leader, so I am going to have to start obeying the 10 Commandments at some point soon. I will start with the “Thou shalt not murder” commandment, since that one is so easy that anybody other than a genocidal religious lunatic can understand.

I will not covet my neighbor’s wife’s @ss (no matter how juicy and delicious it looks), but if you defy me I will kick yours.

Once I have punished all the Islamic fundamentalist infidels, I will then step down. After all, a Jewish leader of Islam is so retro.

The Christians already have their leader, and leading the Jews…let’s be honest, it is a thankless job which is why nobody claims it…is not for me.

So I implore the people of the world to help me eradicate the evil Islamists who have kidnapped the real true Islam, so that I may relinquish my role as Supreme Leader. I would prefer this be done before September when the 2010 NFL Football season starts. I hate it when ruling people with their complaints and needs interrupts my ballgame.

There is much work to be done. I expect you all to work hard.

Until the day of reckoning, may peace be upon me, and you’re welcome.

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Eric Golub is the author of The Tygrrrr Express. His book, Ideological Bigotry is available now.