I am Rosa Parks
by Eric Golub on July 27, 2010 at 2:49 PM
Ladies and Gentlemen of the media, I will begin this Tygrrrr Express conference with a brief opening statement concerning my act of heroism as the new Rosa Parks. After congratulating myself, I will deign to take questions from you mostly worthless parasites. You will then refer to me as post-racial, which means that anything and everything I do will be above criticism.
Apparently MSNBC reporters are not in the room to cover my remarks due to a medical crisis. Their heads got lodged up Barack Obama’s (redacted), and surgeons are performing the first non-Siamese operation.
Your questions must be in the form of a question. You will not be making statements because this is not your press conference, and nobody cares what you have to say. This is about me.
Arab Jihadist Helen Thomas finally blew herself up, so she will not be in the front row to ask anti-Israel questions.
With that, I am proud to discuss the events of yesterday.
In an act of racial solidarity, I became the second coming of Rosa Parks. I gave up my seat to a black woman. She was denied the right to sit. This cannot happen in America. This is the 21st century, and I will not tolerate a land where a black woman is denied a seat. I voluntarily gave up my seat so she could sit down. Not since King has somebody like me come along. Of course I refer to Don King, who understands that only in America could I do what I did.
I endured 7 hours of uncomfortable positions, but the black woman was comfortable, and that is all that matters.
I will now take your questions.
Larry King, CNN: My eyes are not what they used to be. Actually, nothing is what it used to be. Are you absolutely sure she was black?
Tygrrrr Express (TE): Larry, it is wrong to judge a woman’s race by the color of her skin. However, since you are obsessed with race, I will say that the evidence indicated she had a significant amount of melanin content. In short, she was what the Rolling Stones called “Brown Sugar.” Next question.
Amanda Carpenter, Townhall: Why did you give up the seat?
TE: That was an intelligent question. Insightful as always Amanda. The airline asked for volunteers. The flight was oversold. Given how black people have been treated since the beginning of time, I felt it would be an act of racial healing. I laid down my seat for her the way Sir Walter Raleigh laid down his coat. I figured if I did this, we could finally stop talking about race.
Richard Cohen, Self-loathing Hebrew, Washington Post: Were you compensated for giving up your seat? If so, isn’t this all about money?
TE: Once again the liberal media takes a feel good story and injects poison into it. The significant compensation I received does not change the fact I gave up my seat for a black woman, and expect a monument to be built in my honor in Washington, DC.
Thomas Friedman, Jayson Blair Times: Given the compensation you received, wasn’t the race and gender of the other passenger irrelevant?
TE: Are you saying she is irrelevant because she is a black woman? I find your insinuation racist and sexist. She should be proud of who she is, the same way you should be proud of who you are. Actually, never mind, you work for the JBT so you should feel shame. If you were not so insensitive you would have remembered that the late Johnny Cochran once said that “race is a part of everything we do.” In a nation of Barack Obama, Eric Holder, Henry Gates, and Shirley Sherrod, everything is racial. To question this is racism.
Maureen Dowd, Jayson Blair Times: Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat. Doesn’t that ruin your analogy in the same way that my attitude ruins my chances of having a man warm my seat?
TE: So you are implying I should have refused to give my seat to a black woman because she is a black woman? That is racist. I expect sexist, man-hating drivel from you, but your racism is too much for me to bear. You need to get past your venom and stop trying to hinder civil rights.
Rich Eisen, NFL Network: What do you think Drew Rosenhaus should do regarding Terrell Owens and the upcoming season?
TE: Next question.
Bob Herbert, Jayson Blair Times: Do you think your situation is proof that reparations for slavery are in order?
TE: Excellent question. Yes, this compensation was a form of reparations for my being enslaved many times at various airports with inadequate remedies. My luggage has been lost, I have been stranded on the tarmac, and even been forced to sleep on the floor of airports without any redress. While this compensation today does not make up for all the past injustices I have faced, it is a good start from a reparations standpoint.
Major Garrett, Fox News: Barack Obama gets to fly around in a private jet while you fly coach. Is this reverse racism?
TE: The question Arianna Huffington planted on you to make you look bad worked perfectly. You are usually better than that. It is not just an issue of reverse racism. It is also class warfare. Barack Obama promised to share the wealth, yet he has not one time given up his seat on Air Force I for me. I have not even ridden on Air Force II, and that plane is not used to do a thing. They could fly coach, but they do not care about the people. It is all talk coming from them.
Ellen Degeneres, Gay and Lesbian Monthly: Was the black woman gay, and if so, does this mean we should have gay marriage?
TE: I do not know her sexuality, rendering me unable to comment on her sexuality in terms of broader social policy. I also do not know if any clergy members were on the flight, since I did not board the flight myself. Therefore, I am not sure if a gay or straight marriage could have taken place in the air. I do not know what the rule is regarding nuptials and sky miles. Regarding potential honeymoons, joining the Mile High Club is frowned upon except on redeyes when other passengers are asleep.
Wendell Goler, Fox News: Will you be having a holiday named after you due to your heroic act?
TE: Wendell, my favorite holiday is called “Shut the hell up and go to work” Day. It crosses every racial and ethnic strata. Now that I have healed the entire country, I am declaring an end to every grievance of every kind by every human being. There are now no more problems, and liberal bigotry bombthrowers will be forced to learn skills that would make them remotely employable.
Greta Van Susteren, Fox News: Do Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Kim Kardashian think…
TE: No, they don’t…not in the least. Although rumor has it that a couple of them offered to give up their jail cells including the seats to black inmates in a very generous racial gesture. When asked if they would do the same at their own mansions, they seemed less tolerant. They really do seem like Mean Girls.
Hillary Rodham Clinton, Arkansas Democrat-Gazette: Since you will still be flying to Little Rock, Arkansas, will you be speaking to any state troopers who will be slandering my loving husband?
TE: I always suspected you and the rest of the State Department didn’t actually do anything all day, but posing as a reporter is a new low, which says a ton for you. I will not be delving into your husband’s trousers literally or metaphorically because the last thing I need is for you to ever get near mine. It would be mutually assured destruction in the bimbo eruption department. Besides, if you wanted a better marriage you should have stopped pushing gun control legislation. My girlfriend, her parents, and my parents all support the NRA, and believe me when I say that is the best way to eliminate infidelity.
Keith Olbermann, MSNBC: The operation was partially successful, so forgive my showing up all filthy and disgusting. I still have Mr. Obama’s umbilical cord wrapped around my waist, but I am here. Don’t you think it is wrong to turn every little incident into a racial issue?
TE: No, that would be Barack Obama. Keith, once again you “acted stupidly.” I see the umbilical cord, you sweet liberal boy. I would get the scissors but you might die, and nobody wants that. Unlike liberals rooting for conservatives like Rush to die, I want you to live so I can point out your idiocy.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would take more questions but most of you are not fit to shine my shoes. My sneakers are black, which is proof of something that you can’t understand.
I just hope I have shown young people the importance of volunteering. When you give, you get back so much more.
Time to invest 1% of my compensation in an overpriced soda. Normal people would consider that an expenditure, but this is liberal fantasyland where such things are investments. I will even further the cause of healing by buying Coke Zero, which is black. Those who claim that the beverage is actually red are trying to drive a wedge between black people and American Indians, and I am tired of liberals and their racial division strategy.
You’re welcome America.