Israelis and Palestinians finally agree to waste everyone’s time
by Eric Golub on August 26, 2010 at 7:20 PM
After over a year since both sides agreed to sit down and accomplish nothing, Israelis and Palestinians have finally hammered out a broad agreement in principle to hold talks and waste everyone’s time.
Hillary Clinton proudly announced that Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas would all sit down and talk about unresolved issues that will remain unresolved.
Barack Obama will play a major role in accomplishing nothing and then claiming that the problems existed during the administration of his predecessor.
The Palesimians will take any Israeli concession from past negotiations and declare that a new starting point.
Israelis will speak about cautious optimism knowing that most people think Israelis are full of garbage when they speak about cautious optimism.
The Palesimians will speak about a refugee problem even though there is not one based on the definition of refugees that is applied to every other people in the world.
The Palesimians will speak about a humanitarian crisis in Gaza that does not exist in any way, shape, or form.
The Palesimians will offer a deal where Israel abolishes its own right to exist and relocates every Jew to wherever Helen Thomas wants them to go. Israeli diplomats will reply that negotiations are complex but that the talks have been productive.
Abbas will claim that he has done everything he can do to stop Hamas and Hezbollah, which means he did nothing. Words with zero actions backing them up will unite President Obama and Prime Minister Abbas in a warm embrace rivaled only by the hot smoochie shared by Hillary Clinton and Suha Arafat.
The Jayson Blair Times will wax poetic about how important it is that both sides keep an open mind while rockets rain down on Israel and Palesimian homicide bombers terrorize innocent Israelis trying to engage in bizarre activities such as walking and breathing.
Hillary Clinton will offer meaningless blather because that is what the secretary of state does in general and Hillary does in particular.
160 year old Shimon Peres will offer heartfelt sentiments in fractured Heblish. Palesimians will condemn his remarks publicly while privately admitting that they had no idea what he said. His incomprehensible comments will cause teenagers to giggle because they are amused when he discusses the “p*ss process.”
The United Nations will celebrate the historic nature of the talks, despite the fact that they are not historic in the least. The UN will celebrate tradition, which means useless talks with nothing even accidentally resembling an accomplishment or a result.
Naysayers will be criticized for sabotaging the peace process, as if there ever was a peace process, and as if the mythical process could be undermined by naysayers to begin with.
College students will fail to learn the lyrics to the great song, “Hey hey! Ho ho! We support the status quo!” They will then be forced to admit that they do not know what status quo means.
George Mitchell will explain that he brought peace between the Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland while neglecting to mention that the Irish Republican Army helped matters by developing hobbies other than blowing stuff up. The Palesimians will remain obtuse.
We will be told of slow, steady progress even though there will not be any progress. Slow will be a synonym for stop, and steady will be a synonym for comatose, which is what happens when Israelis are nearly blown to bits for reasons that only genocidal lunatics such as Palesimian fuzzballs could justify.
Platitudes such as “hope,” “change,” and “Yes we can,” will be replaced with “Are you f*cking kidding me?”
So congratulations to those who still fail to grasp that wars end when one side finally concludes that they cannot ever win. Then and only then can there be peace. Instead, phony peace talks will lead to perpetual war. Israeli “settlements” will be blamed for Palesimian lunacy, and the “cycle of violence” narrative will be on the front papers of the Jayson Blair Times.
Just because the Palesimians have violated every single agreement they have ever reached does not mean they will do so again.
Oh, wait…actually it does. 100% failure is a good indicator.
The only good news is that when the Israelis surrender in the negotiations due to American bullying, the Palesimians will reject the deal, wage more war, and then beg for peace when Israel fires back with ferocity, the only concept the Palesimians understand.
Until that time, lovers of wasted time should celebrate the end of the hiatus and the return of pointless and futile conversations.