State of the Useless: My Summit With Barack Obama

It is time for a presidential summit featuring a half-black and half-white leftist fellow with big ears and a pasty white vertically challenged Republican Jewish blogger, both with winning smiles.

President Obama, I would like to invite you to join me on February 13th to a very special summit just for you and me. I will be at CPAC on the 12th and I know we will both be busy with Valentine’s Day on the 14th. Yet the 13th is the first Sunday of the year without football. You and I both know there will be nothing to do.

After listening to your state of the Union Speech, I realized that it is time for you and I to engage in an athletic competition. Don’t worry, it won’t be bowling. I want your best, not your worst. It will be like the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island, only we will eat at a much more leisurely pace.

I would like to have a navel gazing competition with you.

February 13, 2011, Nationwide Event: STATE OF THE USELESS: NAVEL GAZING SUMMIT!

Before you get excited, this is not where we sit on the beach and ogle women in bikinis. Also, we will not be staring at each other’s bellies. That would be creepy.

No. We will both sit in lawn chairs outside, and deeply contemplate our own respective navels.

I warn you sir, I am prepared. I went to a liberal arts college. I know how to navel gaze with the best of them. For the record, my navel is round and symmetrical with zero imperfections. Whoever cut that cord did a great job. There is also not an ounce of lint in my belly button, although your policies have left plenty of it in my pockets.

Like the Miss America pageants, there will be more than just looking spectacular with our shirts off in self-admiration. There will be a talent contest, where we spout meaningless phrases that on the surface seem deep and meaningful but really mean actually nothing. You said several of them last night, and many people considered them brilliant solely because you said them. This allows you to be for and against the exact same thing and always be right. It is impressive.

You find privatizing Social Security to be a risky stock market scheme while celebrating the rise of the market.

You want us all to like teachers, as if people are running around saying they hate them.

You believe parents should help kids with their homework, as if there is a powerful lobby against that.

You want America to be in favor of innovation, as if that viewpoint has ever been challenged.

You celebrate innovators while absolutely burying the very essence of what innovation is about.

You laud entrepreneurship while insisting that the public sector creates anything of value.

Sir, governments destroy value. They add regulations and bureaucracy. Free enterprise is the very antithesis of government. Limited government is necessary to prevent anarchy, but preventing destruction is not the same as creating something. This is why you praise the number of jobs you have “saved.” You cannot quantify it, and you know that is not the same as jobs actually created.

You want to take from the oil companies so you can create a green utopia without any contingency plan if unproven green technologies fail. The fact that oil actually works is lost on you.

You are so far above the rest of us mere mortals because you are thinking decades into the future. Yet all of your pontificating does not seem to explain to people what you will do in the next six months to get people back to work now.

Increased education may help somebody several years from now, but plenty of educated people need jobs now. High speed rail will get people places fast, but if they have no place to go and nothing to do, they will not travel. All of the government money poured into electric cars will fail because people are not interested in a green revolutions right now. The only green they care about is money. They don’t have it.

I know you are a magician who walks on water and I accept that you are able to recycle toilet paper because your (redacted) don’t st@nk. This is why I believe you can spend into the stratosphere and save at the same time.

Just because you did not name a single program you would cut does not mean you are full of (redacted). You truly believe what you say. In your world, freezing spending really does mean cutting.

I used to think that you were a cold, clinical Vulcan. Dr. Spock lacked empathy, but at least he was logical. I am not sure what you are. Your proposals are illogical, but you also fail to exhibit any human emotion. Perhaps you really do care more about trees than people. You would not be the first liberal blessed with this “vision.”

This is why it is so important for us to spend time together. You can wax poetic for hours on why everything you are doing is working while the world burns. We can ignore everything around us, as you have done the last couple days by ignoring the terrorist attacks in Russia.

(and the last couple of years as people begged for jobs and you responded with destroying their health care, harassing small businesses, and beating people into submission in the name of bipartisanship.)

Not to worry you sir, but some of the people blown to bits were driving hybrids. Trees also suffered.

Anyway, rather than attack your many deficiencies, I think I should be fair and highlight your strengths. Your shirts and ties are crisp and you have good hair.

So let’s celebrate what you love to celebrate most, you being you. It is not about your doing anything. Your very being is an invaluable enough gift.

If I win this navel gazing competition with you, don’t worry. I know you have nothing to get back to, and Joe Biden will be just fine managing absolutely nothing. So we can make it a best two out of three.

At the end of the evening we will have the final contest where we lay back in the lawn chairs, pour water in our navels, slap our stomachs, and see who can make the water jump higher. Think of it as golf, but with action. Then we will gaze into the future with very serious poses so that observers think we are really doing important things that matter.

We can even bring schoolchildren in to wave pompoms and shout “Yes, we can” like your supporters do at memorials and other campaign events.

I challenge you Mr. President. May the best navel gazer win. I suspect it will be you, but your very essence and speeches inspire me so much that I now have hope that I can change the results, win the future, and defeat you in this contest, every bit as important as anything else you do daily.



Eric Golub is the author of The Tygrrrr Express. His books, Ideological Bigotry, Ideological Violence, and Ideological Idiocy are available now.

This article was originally posted on The Tygrrrr Express. 



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